a fresh start

Hello everyone. I have redesigned Lonely Frontier dot net. Turns out Twine is actually a really bad platform for making a web page. Who would’ve thought?

Anyways. In redesigning things, I’ve also deleted every blog post (not to worry, they’re all safely archived, if I need to pull out an actually good post). There is a reason for this: I need to move on. I need to stop living in the past, and finally enter the future.

But before I move into the future, let’s talk about the past one final time.

Three years ago, myself and a number of other people, through no fault of our own, found ourselves in the middle of a petty slap fight between two video game developers. One turned out to be a huge con artist who made worldwide headlines for her shitty taste in men. The other currently works in some sort of “diversity consultant” capacity, despite quite publicly being a massive, shit-stirring TERF who hilariously lost a Twitter argument to a guy who writes for a column called “The Incel Corner.” Now, while their public feud may have been petty, the consequences that the rest of us faced were anything but. A lot of us, mostly transgender, quickly found ourselves with a much smaller support network than what we had the day before. Accusations of racism, neo-nazism, rape, pedophilia, stalking, all kinds of hideous, monstrous things did and continue to follow us, no matter how provably, demonstrably false those claims may be. We were subject to all kinds of smear campaigns, harassment, and abuse; some of us even getting articles in mainstream publications telling the world what assholes we were. Loss of jobs, partners, friends, homes. We ended up getting doxxed, and having our privacy violated by the very same people we tried to help. In other words, we all tried to do the right thing, and got nothing but shit shoveled in our faces.

And the kicker to all of this? The sad, unfortunate reality? Nobody cares. Nobody cares, and nobody will ever care. Of all the people in this post-woke, “we care very deeply about online abuse” world, we are not good enough for your sympathy. That’s just how it is on this bitch of an Earth.

Of course, I was the last person to realize this. While everyone else has long since retreated, keeping a low profile, if not outright vanishing from the the net altogether, I’ve been the opposite. I’ve been loud. I’ve been angry. I’ve indulged all the times my brain has told me that I have been wronged, and I need to make things right! I’ve refused to live down years of garbage, despite the fact that, like I said, nobody wants to hear it.

I spent today trading off between cleaning my apartment and finishing up the site design, trying to shake off the remnants of an emotional breakdown at seeing someone on “the other side” enjoy even a moment’s success, that so many of my friends will probably never see, and deserve to see. It shouldn’t be a competition, but when you’re unable to stop having panic attacks about how close you came to losing a friend to suicide over something incredibly stupid that didn’t even involve the two of you to begin with, it’s hard not to see everything as an offensive assault that needs to be counter-acted as soon as possible. I have to make something better than you. I need more followers, and more viewers, and more fans than you. I can’t let you win.

But this isn’t the feel-good movie of the summer. This is real life. The good guys don’t always win in the end. There has come a point in my life where I am coming to terms with the fact that I have failed. I’ve lost, and I have to pick up the pieces, and start all over, doing my best to leave the bitterness and the PTSD flashbacks behind.

I’m making this post more as a promise to myself than anything else: this will be the last time I ever, ever, talk about the Alt-Games vs “Anti-Gamergate” thing again. In my attempt at getting some form of justice, I’ve done nothing but turn myself into an easily triggered mess, and put a massive strain on the relationships of the people closest to me. I care about my friends! Deeply, in fact! I don’t want to end up driving everyone away because I’m too fucking insane to be around. I’ll never get that closure, or that satisfaction. I will never get my equivalent to a #MeToo or whatever. And I have to learn to be okay with that. And I’m hoping that by scrubbing so many shitty, painful memories from this site, I can make some attempt at a healing process.