4/22/2018: thinking about the future

I’ve been talking about this for the last couple of years: this desire to make art that goes beyond the usual “I’m mentally ill and I have dysphoria and I’m trying to reclaim a childhood I was never able to have.” Because here’s the thing, I’m also a huge fucking pervert. My whole internal visual gestalt is a late-80s-early 90’s anime OVA, with sex and violence being at the core. But I’m not really doing that externally. What I’m getting at here is that I want to make more things that are perverted and lewd. I’ve created things that have made people laugh, made them cry, made them angry, even. But I have never made something that people have jerked off to. Unless you count lewd selfies. And in not doing so, I kind of feel like I’m failing.

Like, I’m thinking of people who I look up to and am influenced by, as both an artist and a person, and how I’m failing to implement their influences. As an artist, my big influence is Porpentine Charity Heartscape. As a person, my big influence is Chelsea Manning. Here are two women- two trans women, like me. They’ve both been through hell and back, but they’re still here, rocking and rolling, not giving a single fuck, doing things that make good people happy and bad people shit themselves in anger. And what have I been doing? I’ve been mutating images of Sailor Moon and spending (wasting) the last few years trying to expose a video games cult that preys on trans women to a crowd of deafening silence. I’m not living up to my own potential. And given that there are people out there that, for whatever reason, look up to me (seriously what the fuck), that’s unacceptable.

Sex and sexuality as a trans woman (can’t speak for the other binary-defying genders) is looked at as this gross, taboo thing. Like yeah, trans porn is popular, but 99% of its consumption is done so through a sense of self-loathing and disgust. Cis dudes masturbating to tranny porn and simultaneously wanting to murder us if they were to ever encounter a trans woman beyond the confines of the internet. I’m a big proponent of reclamation; to take concepts and words made to hurt you, and make it your own in a display of power. I am 100% in favor of trans women being comfortable in their own naked bodies, talking about fucking and cranking one out like their cis peers can do with little resistance. And not just because I’m a huge pervert. It’s something that is actually important. I hear over and over again that living is its own act of defiance. So why not also display your own sexual agency and autonomy in addition? Now, I’m not saying that everyone should do it, obviously; not everyone is comfortable in doing so for a multitude of reasons. But anyone who does should not be afraid to do so. And that’s something I should start to heed.

Unfortunately, I’m still recovering from a really bad dysphoria attack that has left me with both executive dysfunction and sexual dysfunction. So not only is it hard for me to think straight and get things done, I can’t even get a boner, either. So being “horny on main” as an act of rebellion is difficult at the moment. And, as a side-note, it kind of sucks, because at least four of my friends are actively uploading nudes. And as a caring, supportive, perverted friend, I should at least do my best Beavis impression and say “boi-oi-oi-oi-oing.” But alas, I cannot. Sorry everyone. Your butts are all very nice, though!

But I’m fucking trying, dammit! Because something I’ve learned as a member of The Trans Community (please read that in AJ Styles’ voice) is that the only person who hates your body more than you is Everyone Else. And as long as I have the support of the people closest to me, I don’t give a fucking fuck if the world hates my guts. I’m gonna be fucking problematic, and ironic, and hornt the fuck up and be all up in your face about it. That is my plans for the future, as an artist and as a person. I said this when I wrote about Bloodborne, but I’m not interested in being “Safe For Work,” which is just some gatekeeping cis bullshit code for “Safe For Consumption.” They can make sexual works and be considered subversive and get paid for pretty much stealing our material and then shaming us for coming up with it in the first place. And that is bullshit. Fuck being held back. There’s a coming wave of trans women who are tired, and pissed off, and are not going to take it anymore. And I’m not going to let myself become complacent and be left behind.

So I’ll leave you all with this: a picture of my ass that I took in like 2016 or something, I can’t remember. Have fun with that.

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