Shit’s been fucking weird, man. I’ve been having all these mental health flare-ups and depressive episodes and stuff. And then, through all of that, I somehow ended up with a girlfriend? Life makes no sense.
Yeah, you heard that right. The “Lonely Frontier” is now slightly less lonely. And anyone who has been following my exploits on social media (which will probably be all of you, since the only time anyone will see this post is when I inevitably post a link to it) will know that I have been a big, blustery, embarrassing mess of gay emotion. Like, yeah, hey, there’s a girl that I am in love with, and it’s pretty bitchin’. Go give her a follow, why not.
But I’m not here to brag about my romantic status. I’m actually here to bring down the mood, and be real. Real Talk.
Before all this, I was fucking miserable. I refused to date, because I was afraid of making someone else deal with my problems. Ironically, having someone here has managed to make things a little bit easier. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suddenly cured of all my ills because of a girl, but that emotional support that I’ve been lacking for so long has been really great.
And, on top of that, it’s been years. Just, years of shit. Years of abuse. Years of not being able to trust people because they’ll probably stab me in the back, and then they did. Years of cultists telling the world how horrible and evil I am and that I’m literally Hitler if Hitler was even worse than Hitler. The fallout from all the Crash Override shit. I have spent all this time being utterly and thoroughly convinced that I was incapable of being loved. That my name was too toxic. That any association with me was fatal to a persons social identity, if not possibly their actual physical safety. That maybe I was just too crazy to be around. A person like me obviously doesn’t deserve love, right? In some circles, even contemplating that would be considered an offense.
When it became official; that I was now in a relationship, I did the dorkiest thing possible, and just broke down and cried. And not because I was sad, far from it. I wasn’t used to being so happy. I wasn’t used to thinking that I deserved better than what I had before. It still feels surreal at times. Talking to her late at night, and then my brain helpfully reminds me, “hey, that’s your girlfriend!” And then I get really happy.
Thank you, Madeline. I love you.