Sorry for not having posted anything in a while. I’ve been busy and sick and also I forgot to log onto my web site. I’ll have something a bit more substantial soon, but for now, I’m reposting something I did ten years ago.
Explanation: I had worked an overnight shift at my old job. And when I came home, Braid had just been released on the XBox Live Marketplace. And I had been dying to play this. Not because I thought the game would be good, but because every dickhead in indie games wouldn’t shut the fuck up about how it would literally change your life once you played it. Yeah, even a decade ago, I had a fairly antagonistic relationship with indie games. So, for the $15 or whatever, I downloaded the game, and liveblogged my experience with it. The plan was to play it until the number of energy drinks I had to stay awake at work wore off.
So, after digging through the Internet Wayback Machine, I found it. Take a look. And for the record, my praise for MGS4 and Bioshock were sarcastic, yes.
Okay so I just worked an overnight shift at my job. It’s currently 3:30 in the a.m. I am hyped up on so many energy drinks it’s not even funny. And right now I’m downloading the demo for Jon Blow’s Braid.
WILL IT CHANGE MY LIFE AND MY VERY PERCEPTION OF SAID LIFE FOREVER!? It fuckin’ better cause if not I’ll be saying lots of Very Bad Things on the Internet.
Impressions to come.
The Intro: ahahahahahaha fuck this game
The Game: WELL I’M SURE GLAD THAT CHANGED MY LIFE. Actually oh wait no it didn’t it’s just a generic platformer with:
“TIM NEEDED TO BE NON-MANIPULABLE. HE NEEDED A HOPE OF TRANSCENDENCE. HE NEEDED, SOMETIMES, TO BE IMMUNE TO THE PRINCESS’S CARING TOUCH.”
I would much rather play Space Giraffe than this. And I fucking hate Space Giraffe.
Games that are better than Braid (besides Space Giraffe):
-Metal Gear Solid 4
Goddamn this asshole swims around in his own ego and refers to himself in the third person for three years like he’s Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson or something and this is the game we get? Man someone needs to lay the smack down on his ass.
IF YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN’
“Our world, with its rules of causality, has trained us to be miserly with forgiveness. By forgiving too readily, we can be badly hurt. But if we’ve learned from a mistake and become better for it, shouldn’t we be rewarded for the learning, rather than be punished for the mistake?”
Fuck me this is like the help instructions from The Sexuality Life Dynamic.
Okay just so no one accuses me of not “getting it,” I’m gonna go ahead and buy the full game just so I can say fuck Jon Blow and his lack of talent and his exceptional knack for making regular people (otherwise known as Mainstream Gamers) look like drooling nincompoops and making the Indie Gaming community out to look like a bunch of fucking luddites pushing an Us vs Them mentality because Halo blzblz.
Actually nevermind. I forgot that the 360 doesn’t take real money like the PS3 does. I have to buy those stupid ass points for a 1,200 point video game. And because the only two nearby options are “1000 points- $12.50″ and “2000 points- $25.00″ I’d have to spend twenty five fuck dollars on this shit. That’s like half the cost of Siren: Blood Curse, and that was an actual video game! And it was actually really good!
Counting down until the inevitable “MICROSOFT DIDN’T GIVE US ENOUGH MONEY BOO HOO” interview that pretty much every indie dev on the 360 does.
You climb on fences like in Super Mario World.
It’s too bad David Hellman is such a good artist because this game is ass.
Jonathan Blow Presents: THESAURUS THE VIDEO GAME.
You know what I guess he was right. This game really did blow my mind. Because it seriously takes a lot to actually offend me with a bad video game and this definitely offends the hell out of me.
I’m going to predict THE INTERNET’S reaction to this game: “This game is so amazing look at me I’m too cool to enjoy Gears of War!”
THE ROCK SAYS KNOW YOUR DAMN ROLE
Fucking goofy ass looking ego tripping motherfucker ill piss in his fucking face if i were to see him in person
dammit i have the rocks theme song stucki n my head now
shit its four am going to bed now