8/21/2018: frustration

I’ve been trying, these last couple of weeks, to try and maintain a chill mindset. I’ve said it a million different times, but it still holds true: I hate being mad. I hate being upset. The constant reminders of old trauma and the current state of the world are exhausting. Being in a constant state of negativity is bad for my mental health, which is already shitty enough as it is.

So naturally, seemingly everyone on the goddamn planet has to do everything in their power to poke and prod and push me until my attempts at inner peace fly out the window and I go back to being a moody bitch. And it’s frustrating as fuck.

First of all, my girlfriend is having some health issues, which of course worries and concerns me. How could it not? And it doesn’t help that we’re long distance, and I’m not exactly rolling around in cash to visit or help out with bills. All I can do is offer up some basic emotional support over Discord like I’m some dumbass teen on AIM messaging spicegirl_42 or some shit, then sit there like a fucking loser and do nothing useful. It sucks, and she doesn’t deserve it. When you care for someone, you never want to see them suffering, you know?

Not just her, but all of my friends dealing with shit they should never have had to deal with in the first place. I’m beyond tired of the whole “sad girls being sad together” thing. We deserve to be happy for once! There’s a reason so much of my art involves escaping to some secluded place, away from the problems of this world.

In trying to deal with all of this, and deal with some IRL family issues, I’ve fallen way behind on making art and working on all these projects I’ve wanted to do. I can’t help but feel as though I’m letting a lot of people down. Like I’m coming across as being lazy.

And my home away from home, Cyber.Space, is starting to fill up with the same shitheads I wanted to get away from in the first place. Like yeah, thanks, I really did want to see my friends shitty abusive ex talking about the Game Boy like it ain’t no thing. Plus the black cloud of Wheaton’s presence hanging over, constantly reminding me of him and Randi Harper’s “we hate trannies” blocklist that got me doxxed a couple years back. And idiot game companies doing tired ass 4chan jokes about trans people. And just a lot of shitty reminders that, oh yeah, a lot of spaces are outwardly hostile to Girls Like Us. So trying to retreat to a non-aggravating space online is getting to be less and less of a viable thing. Like, the whole ability to try and recover is constantly being chipped away.

To put a point to all this rambling: motherfucker, I just want to chill! I want to relax! I want the people in my life to be taken care of. Give their lot in life to the scumbags of the world who can get away with murder and face no consequence, instead. This is a horrible, horrible time, and it’s getting harder and harder to try and see the bright side when the world is becoming more and more of a piss-soaked hellhole. And I need to be able to see a light at the end of the tunnel, because to only be surrounded by pain and misery is no way to live. I want to make and talk about cool shit! Like, hey, did you know that the HD remakes of Shenmue 1 and 2 came out today? Did you know that they’re awesome as fuck? Did you know that I would rather have written a blog post about that than one about the world making me completely fucking miserable?

Everyone wants me to be riled up and reactionary, and I really do not fucking want to be. I’m not interested in fighting anymore. However, that does not mean that I will no longer react in self-defense. But the less often I have to do that, the better. So just…please, let me have some peace.

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