I’ve been sober for over one whole month now. No alcohol since September. In that time, I’ve been teaching myself new skills like coding, and video editing, among other things, as a way to try and put my energy and feelings into something besides “getting drunk and wanting to die.”
Seems to be working out alright so far.
And, for whatever reason, my brain hasn’t been as super shitty as it has been. With a few days off here and there, I’ve managed to go all this time without breaking down into tears or flying into a rage at the drop of a hat. Whether or not it will remain that way is still to be determined.
My thoughts have felt a lot clearer, as well. And I’ve had a lot of time to really sit down and think about things. You’ve seen it, in many other posts I’ve made, where I get embarrassed and ashamed at myself for having negative emotions. Like, goddammit, why did I let myself get upset/angry like that? “I should stop talking about these things and just move on, pretending that it never happened!” I don’t like to allow myself my own feelings towards bad things that have happened to me, that I have every right to be upset about.
Now, this will not be a post where I metaphorically right every wrong, or go off and drop some CM Punk-level pipe bomb or whatever. I’m just going to say this instead:
I Deserve Better
That’s it. I normally say that “We Deserve Better,” because I tend to put others ahead of myself, which is certainly the right thing to do. If you have people in your life that you care about, of course you want them to be happy and successful and going through life feeling fulfilled. But for once, I’m going to be selfish and put myself first. Because I fucking deserve better.
I deserve better than to have my name and reputation in the toilet because a group of transphobic rape apologists like to pretend that they’re mad at a three year old deleted Twitter post made by some guy I barely even know.
I deserve better than to have some hack journalist who LARPs as a scientist whose knowledge of the subject would cause Hideo Kojima to mock him for being too unrealistic, who is (you guessed it) transphobic as fuck and seems to have a thing for defending pedophiles, put my name in his horrible mouth and broadcast it to an audience of morons.
I deserve better than to wallow in obscurity, only having my name brought up in hushed whispers by terrified strangers, or in fits of anger by talentless hacks who, let’s be real, couldn’t handle my jock on my worst day. All this, while self-admitted predators are given second, third, and fourth chances in life.
I deserve better than…whatever the fuck this is
Simply put, I deserve better. And my new goal in life to get that.