It’s dumb fucking bullshit written by a bigoted asshole. He’s a dumbshit ass moron chaser who writes these useless thinkpieces because he gets mad at himself for getting a boner while looking at Bailey Jay. Again. He deserves the Richard Spencer treatment of being knocked the fuck out by a solid right hand in full view of the public. And hey, allies: if you want to show that your activism and support isn’t just performative, you’ll want to get in on that action, too. Though, given how many of you are still trying to find new and exciting ways to label Chelsea Manning a nazi, and mocking her suicide attempt, I fucking doubt it. And I also doubt it, given how you didn’t listen to us when we told you that Singal was shit years ago. Or Graham Linehan. Or Jordan Peterson. Or about the far-reaching implications of so many right-wing names entrenching themselves in Gamergate. So we’ll just end up being the canary in the coal mine for yet another dipshit that you’ll all love and respect, until it’s no longer profitable to do so. So feel free to fuck off, instead.
[Ramona’s note: didn’t date this, but these were all done towards the end of 2014]
Zach, is that who I think it is? Of course! Anybody these days will recognize that blue fur as belonging to Sonic the Hedgehog. His first game was released by Sega, back in 1991. A good year for video games. Did you know that, although this was his first game, it wasn’t his first appearance? He actually debuted as a car ornament in a racing game called Rad Mobile! Certainly a humble start.
I was the kind of gamer who preferred the slower, more methodical pace of the Super Mario Brothers. But you, Zach? Yeah, you really loved to watch that little guy run so fast. You once played the whole game three times in a single sitting, transfixed on Sonic’s every move. His bright colors and “in your face” attitude really exemplified the spirit of the 90s, didn’t it?
Well, exemplified what advertisers thought the 90s were about, anyway. All that slang! “Dude!” “Radical!” “Don’t have a cow, man!” Hmm, it’s a little silly to think about nowadays, I think. Maybe once this case is over, Zach, we’ll dig our old Sega Genesis out of the closet and and give Sonic another run. I can’t wait.
Careful, Zach! That’s the man who defeated Mike Tyson in his prime! A shame that the game he starred in didn’t even have his name in the title. Sorry, Little Mac, but “Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!” will sell more copies, it seems.
But what an inspiring story Punch-Out was, Zach! An unknown boxer, rising through the ranks, and defeating the heavyweight champion in his prime, despite being in a smaller weight class! Sure, it just sounds like the story of “Rocky,” but WE were the ones doing the fighting this time!
Mike Tyson was later removed from the game by Nintendo. The popular story is that Tyson was removed after being convicted of rape. Sadly, Zach, the real story is always much more mundane than the wild theories we love to create. Nintendo just didn’t renew their agreement with Tyson after the world saw him humiliated by James Douglas. His mystique vanished shortly after that fight, and he went from unstoppable God of Boxing to a mere man from that point. A reminder that even the best can have everything come crashing down around them at a moments notice. I hope the same happens to our “Raincoat Killer.”
Let’s talk about a gaming classic, Zach. “Duck Hunt” released in 1984. We didn’t get it in America for another year, of course. You remember the sound of the trigger on the NES Zapper, don’t you? A satisfying “click!” Oh, that takes me back…
Sorry, I’m trailing off again. Duck Hunt was surprisingly a lot of fun, despite being so simple. Just shoot the ducks. A morbid concept turned into pure joy. Ha ha, I remember you always picking up the second controller and making the ducks fly away from wherever I was aiming. We got into a lot of ridiculous arguments, didn’t we, Zach? Maybe it’s true that video games cause violent behavior, after all!
One thing I’ve never quite understood, though: all the people who wanted to shoot that dog. Who wants to shoot a dog? Dogs are much more valuable than we humans realize, Zach. Being in the bureau, we’ve become so used to seeing police dogs; so angry, so vicious. The Id of humanity’s dark underside. We have to remember that dogs are our friends too, you know. Which reminds me, we need to get those bones back from our good friend, “Deputy” Willie, the games master.
[Ramona’s note: this was originally posted on 5/17/2016]
There have been video games. And almost as long as there have been video games, there have been frogs in them. Frogs are good. Everybody loves frogs. Why don’t you love frogs?
Frog from Chrono Trigger
Chrono Trigger is a good game. It’s a game with a frog in it. Not only that, but a frog that you can play as! I like him. He’s a sweet boy who tries hard. How much of a frog is he? His name is Frog.
Frog from Symphony of the Night
I love this game. But you can’t play as this frog. It drops a pizza when you kill one sometimes, and it hangs out in a cave with a sweet jazzy tune. They’re hard to hit, especially if you play the XBox 360 version. Why would you play that version?
Kero Blaster is a game by the guy who made Cave Story, a seminal Indie Games classic known for its endearing characters, wonderful art and music, and excellent level design. This somehow influenced EA programmers and creepy nice guys to make their own games about pining after a girl they saw at Starbucks once. Kero Blaster is a frog with a gun, and Kero is Japanese for Frog, I think. And I love guns, because I’m American, and I love frogs. This is a frog.
Frog from Rumble Roses
Despite being a big-titty anime game about women wrestlers, there’s a frog in it, too! This frog sucks up people like a vacuum and spits them out. It’s cool. I wish I could be a woman, like the women in this game. A woman who rides on a killer frog. Frogs are wonderful and nice.
Kerotan from Metal Gear Solid 3
Kerotan is the only frog that isn’t real. It’s a toy. 64 toys. You shoot 64 frog toys and you can turn invisible afterwards. Don’t you want to be invisible? To hide from the world and it’s continuing horror? Just you, me, and the frogs. Hideo Kojima loves frogs, too. Almost as much as he hates women. Maybe he should be the one who is invisible, instead. Don’t taint my frog friends with your hate!
I hope you all enjoyed the game frogs. Let’s hope for more frogs in the new year!
Except Frogger. He’s a chump.