It’s time for me to leave games behind


Hey, ya’ll. Today marks the true end of an era. It’s hard; I’ve been involved in games in some capacity since I was a teenager, but the time has come for me to finally walk away. I still love games, they’re an amazing medium, but I have to say goodbye. For good this time.

So, what’s the reason for this? Well, as bittersweet as it is to leave, I have some good news! I have finally achieved the goal that so many of my peers and contemporaries have spent the last ten years only being able to dream of. You see it in their language, the self-loathing, the constant lashing out at others, the constant “I really wish I wasn’t here right now” tone when they talk about games, the unhappiness. I get to do what they have always wanted to do: I’m now working for a defense contractor! No longer will I, a game critic/developer, have to rely on the cheap facsimile of using my phone as a venue to ruin a marginalized person’s life at the touch of a button for the low, low salary of zero dollars and zero cents. Now, I can use one of those fancy flight sticks and get paid a living wage! No longer will I need to text “hey u up?” to Mark Kern and Ian Miles Cheong like a desperate ex, where we cut wrestling promos on one another in public before doing the handshake scene in Predator and teaming up to take out some no-name trans girl who will have to turn to crowdfunding to pay the electric bill this month, all to drum up promotion for my latest piece on Game of Thrones fan theories or some shit because actually forming a union in order to maintain job security and benefits scares me and I would rather just callously say it to people who found out they lost their jobs ten minutes ago.  Plus, thanks to those extremely high-resolution cameras afforded to the military-industrial complex, I can see the immediate aftermath of what I’ve done first-hand, no longer having to only jerk off to my imagination. Isn’t that great?

I’m so thrilled and excited for this opportunity. It’s time somebody queered up the drone industry in a leftist way, and I’m glad it gets to be me. In any event, this post is running way too long, so I’ll wrap this up. See you all at the Raytheon employee orientation!

OR MAYBE YOU WON’T, BROTHER! Maybe this is a joke post I made for April Fools day, dude!

But seriously come back in like thirty seconds and I’ll have today’s real blog post up. I wrote about arcade games!