3DO-Face #4: Sex. Now that I have your attention: Sex

After the last few 3DO porn games, I thought this time around, I would cover a title with the least imaginative title possible. This is another “classic” by Vivid Interactive. The “Interactive” part is only one of the biggest lies this piece of software will tell. Sex is similar to Blonde Justice, in that it merely a movie in the 3DO format, meaning that I’m once again reviewing a porn I just finished watching.

Like Blonde Justice, Sex is a series of clips bereft of context. This fever dream of ugly men pawing at B-Movie actresses with all the grace of a sedated bear trying to catch a fish in a lake that’s completely frozen over. Scenes change at such a rapid fire pace, it’s impossible to comprehend what’s happening at a base level. Woe be to any idiot who tried masturbating to this. The “action” is absolutely no different from the kind of stuff you could find if you stayed up late enough to catch some softcore film on HBO or Cinemax. All of this set to what I can best describe as the most “buying avocados at the grocery store” music you have ever heard.

You’ve probably already figured this out, but I need to make this point very clear: this is a movie called Sex. There is absolutely zero sex present within it. Yeah sure, there’s sexual content, but that’s not sex; you don’t just take your top off and rub your stomach a little bit and then bam, it’s over. That’s no ding-dangs going into any hoo-hahs. Or any holes, for that matter. Hell, there’s no ding-dangs or hoo-hahs to begin with! It’s as if everyone involved with this production were bisected at the waist.

bro if you were any further away from that chick’s crotch, you would be in a different zip code

Let’s take a moment to think about all the other 3DO porn games I’ve look at real quick:

Neurodancer- it is a cyberpunk-themed titled where topless women indeed dance. Okay.

Blonde Justice- there was at least one (1) blonde in it, and the murderous stalker got killed at the end, which is a kind of justice. Okay.

Virtual Photo Studio- there was a whole picture taking mechanic, and you weren’t literally interacting with the women, so it is a virtual experience. Okay.

Sex- no sex, unless you count a dude rubbing a girl’s underwear covered ass with an ice cube, and you shouldn’t.

People will bring up the entire career of Peter Molyneux, or the launch of No Man’s Sky as the biggest falsehoods in gaming. No. No, the biggest lie in the history of games is this extremely unsexy piece of shit on the 3DO called “Sex” that is COMPLETELY LACKING IN ANY TYPE OF SEX.


I don’t know about you, but I’m starting to think that maybe this whole 3DO thing was a great big rip off. The games weren’t all that great, it cost too much, and the porn was immediately outclassed by literally anything you could already buy at a shop/through mail order or find abandoned in the woods. This was the 90s, you could watch people pee on each other for like twenty bucks and all you needed was a VCR. If you want to watch half-assed tit-grabbing between two actors with no chemistry, hey, feel free to drop $700 on a video game console and an additional $60 for this garbage. I reckon being a Tier-1 simp on some girl’s Twitch is more worth your time, probably. Anything has to be better than five disparate scenes where the most you’re getting is a pair of titties and anywhere from half to three-quarters of an ass.

this was funny at least

Anyways, here’s the part where I post some spicy pics in case anyone got here from Google’s image search, which is surprisingly still useful in finding actual web sites with stuff you want to see on them. This one has some seriously slim pickings.

Dissidia 012 Duodecim Final Fantasy

When I began PSP month, I made mention of how this little system had kept me sane during a particularly bad time in California. Santa Clarita, to be specific. This would been back in 2012, and I was visiting some relatives, shortly before they succumbed to the ravages of age. This was not a vacation, obviously, and a number of other things had happened that I will spare you the details of drove a permanent wedge between myself and the rest of what little family I had left. It was stressful, it was a nightmare at times, and worst of all, it was boring.

If you’ve never been to Santa Clarita, there is fucking nothing to do there. At least nothing to do outside of developing a tolerance for needle drugs. And if you are from/currently live there, I am so fucking sorry that your city sucks. The highlights of my trip were being taken an hour out to Ventura Pier, where I then proceeded to freeze my ass off in the ridiculously high speed winds there that day, and then going back to Santa Clarita, to a Taco Bell with only two people on staff during lunch hour, and the burritos I ordered had somehow become two soft tacos that had nothing but lettuce in them. The phone reception was terrible, so I couldn’t exactly use the internet; back when I was still rocking the Blackberry. Really, the only two things I could do was either wait until the evening for the Lakers games to come on, or play my PSP.

I only had the time and the packing room to bring a few games with me. One of those games was the one that this post is about: Dissidia 012 Duodecim Final Fantasy. I had just purchased a copy of the game a day before my flight, so I didn’t have a whole lot of time to play before then, so this was a must to bring. On retrospect, I’m not entirely sure why I got the game. I had spent a lot of time, probably too much, on the first Dissidia, and didn’t care much for it. Dissidia 1 was something I got because I needed something new to play on my break at work (this was back when modding a PSP was an extremely complicated process of needing a certain model system, specific games, and having to do shit with the battery. Not like the very idiot proof “put some shit on a memory stick and press X” that I would use later on.), and because the concept of a Final Fantasy fighting game is a good one. While I did not like Dissidia, I still got the sequel, because it had more characters; literally the “she has a new hat” justification for me buying something.

Something that needs to be made clear: like the first game, Dissidia 012 is fucking terrible. A truly wretched, unplayable, bewildering experience. This is not something you play because you want to have a good time. This is something you play because you are a dumb, horny idiot that wants to look at Kuja’s package while listening to a nice remix of FF6’s “The Decisive Battle.”

hachi machi

No, I was not enjoying myself in any traditional sense during my time in Santa Clarita and Dissidia 012 Final Fantasy. No internet. No good TV. Not a whole lot of privacy. Nothing to do in a go-nowhere place with no transportation. I spent nearly a month hunched over this little silver gadget, ogling femboys with launch-era PS2 amounts of polygons, trying to solve the bizarre moon logic that the game itself runs on. This was my entertainment.

Actually trying to figure out how this game works is a struggle all its own. It’s like a designer passed out while watching Advent Children, had a fucked up dream, then made a game about it. Final Fantasy characters floating around, trying to land slow moving attacks that have zero impact, until one of them finally hits the other. You have to do Bravery Attacks, which are slow and do no damage, in order to do some actual damage with your HP Attacks, which are even slower. Every fight is two of your favorite Final Fantasy characters hitting the air, and if the other character gets in the way of that air, it’s their own fault.

pictured: a typical dissidia match

The thing about Dissidia is that, unlike literally every other fighting game ever made, you have to unlock your move set via leveling up. Moves, and also basic innate abilities. It’s like having to earn a Hadouken in Street Fighter, or the double jump in Guilty Gear. It sucks. Dissidia gives you a lot of numbers and meters and systems and all types of shit to complicate the concept of a 1-on-1 fighting game, but then you stop and wonder about all the stuff that’s missing. Combos? Normals? Spacing? Nothing.

There’s a story mode, too. A story mode that I have never finished. I can only take a bunch of people standing around with phoned-in voice lines talking about bull shit that doesn’t make any sense for so long. I was starved for entertainment during my time in California, but even I had my limits.

Dissidia sucks. Full stop. It looks great, and sounds great, but then there’s nothing else beyond that. In any other circumstance, I would tell you to stay far away from it. But having played it in the situation that I did, I can’t. Dissidia is this weird fever dream of game that doesn’t make any sense, plays like shit, where the appeal ends after staring at Kuja’s junk for a week, and yet, it’s worth playing. The PSP was home to some great games. It was also home to a lot of bizarre stuff you couldn’t really find anywhere else. Dissidia is this fascinating thing that no AAA company would ever release today; the third game on PS4 was much more reigned in. It’s full of bad, half-baked ideas that don’t come together, the actual fighting part feels terrible to play, and often times seems like every negative stereotype of 2000-2010s Japanese games in one package, and I love it. 10/10.

The last two days of my stay, I went to a mall and got myself a copy of Ys: The Oath in Felghana. Much better game. So long and good riddance, Santa Clarita.

3DO-Face #3: Penthouse Interactive- Virtual Photo Shoot vol 1 & Virtua Photo Studio (NSFW)

It’s been a while, since I’ve done one of these. Been too long since I wrote about an explicitly horny game, rather than the implied kind like Final Fight. Let’s get busy.

Penthouse magazine was the in-between of porn mags. It was more hardcore than Playboy, and less antisemitic than Hustler. One of those mythical publications that could be found in the woods, or under the bed of a parent or older sibling. Penthouse was a magazine I definitely uh, read a lot. At least until the emergence of peer-to-peer software like Kazaa gave us all a world of digital erotica right at our sweaty, dirty, perverted fingertips.

But I must ignore the convenience that the internet has given us perverts, and put myself back into the metaphorical shoes of a hypothetical horny 3DO owner. Like Vivid Video, Penthouse also had their own development studio. Looking around, there was an entire series of Penthouse Virtual Photo Shoot games for PC and Macintosh, so if you’re down for some grainy, pixelated nudity, be sure to break out the virtual machines. Volume 1 is the only one released for the 3DO, and as far as I can tell, only released in Japan. And there was definitely time and effort put into a Japanese localization; most of the text (what little there is) is in Japanese, and the game features a Japanese dub, so you will hear three very non-Asian women speaking fluent Japanese no problem.


I ended up going with Tiffany, as I couldn’t figure out what she was wearing on her head.

Turned out that this was an Egyptian-themed shoot, back when this was still considered okay. Also back when porn had an actual set.

The whole point of the game is that you select from a series of FMV clips, then click the camera icon on the bottom at the right time. Any pictures you take can be looked at later for your own uses. That’s it, that’s all there is to it. I probably should have used inverted commas when I said “game,” as there’s no reward for taking pictures well, nor is there any penalty for doing it badly. The whole interactive element seems to be tacked on; it easily could have been another series of FMVs like Blonde Justice was.

However, unlike Blonde Justice, or even Neurodancer, Penthouse actually accomplishes what it sets out to do. It’s porn on the 3DO that doesn’t take way too fucking long to get to the sexy parts, and actually features nudity. I’m making a lot of assumptions about 1) the kind of person to own a 3DO and 2) the kind of person to own porn on it, but I feel like this is perfectly acceptable for the horny games enthusiast. There are attractive women who take their clothes off, and you don’t have to play a boring mini-game or watch a shit movie to get to this point. It’s what you need if you don’t feel like turning off the console and switching over to some hardcore stuff on your VCR. I guess. Crank one out to three different women with an easily ignored game element.

Posting a small gallery here for any stragglers who somehow got here through Google. Hi, please consider reading the rest of this site after you’re done doing you know what.

Before I forget, the real reward to this whole game is to hear from a Japanese dubbed Bob Guccione, a man whose love of piss far exceeds my own. That is pretty fucking funny, honestly.


I’m going to switch gears here a bit, as there is another game very similar to Penthouse Virtual Photo Shoot that I feel I should talk about. The game in question is…


Virtua Photo Studio (Sega Saturn)

First of all, yes, this was published by fucking Acclaim. I assume that their Japanese branch was tired of pumping out shitty licensed games, and decided to try their hand at Sega Saturn titty games. As I said, this is very similar to Penthouse Virtual Photo Shoot, but with one major difference:

This game fucking owns. Specifically, because of this guy:

This guy, I don’t know who he is, probably the producer, is full of personality. You do well at taking pictures, or if you fuck it all up royally, he will let you know.

What I like about this game is that it is an actual game. It’s also really fucking hard! There is no fucking around here; you better be good at taking those pictures, or you will never see these ladies naked.

what’s up with all these porn games only ever having three women to choose from?

You pick your girl, then it’s time to take pictures. Of course, after you are warned by your producer not to fuck it up.

These girls will start doing their pose routines, and you have to snap photos at the right time. And you have to time this right, as they will go through the motions like they have other shit to do. No do overs, no requesting that maybe they slow the fuck down for a couple seconds. Do it right, and do it right now.

Do well enough, as I did, and then things get spicy. Now this is where you can pick outfits.

Then you take pictures again, and it is surprisingly difficult to snap a good shot of a woman as she gets them out. You have to be quick on the trigger.

a little something for the algorithm

There are also segments where the model will want to take a break, and you have to answer a series of her questions, I assume to keep her at ease and make her comfortable. Don’t think you can go through Virtua Photo Studio acting like Terry Richardson. I would have gotten screenshots of this, but it never came up during all the times I played this for the post, and the last time I played this was on my old PC that’s probably on a garbage boat about to be dumped into international waters.

But who gives a fuck about any of that? I appreciate a fine set of big himmer-hommers as much as the next pervert, but I’m all about that excitable man who yells at you between shoots.

Two horny games that aren’t particularly terrible. I’d still recommend the Saturn game, just because it has more personality. You know, if you ever think to yourself, “jeez, I’m tired of playing Fighters Megamix and Elevator Action Returns all the time. Time for horny photography game!” maybe give this one a shot.

3DO-Face Gaiden: The Yakyuuken Special- Kon’ya Wa 12-kaisen!! (NSFW)

About a week or so ago, I was having a conversation with my friend Hazel about the stigma that comes with adult video games. Why they’re so frequently dismissed and mocked to hell and back. I think I’ve got a pretty good idea why, and seeing as how this is my web site, I’ll go ahead and present my argument here.

Fifty percent of why porn games are looked at with scorn is that, as an American living in America, it’s not hard to notice that we live in a society (yeah, I know, lol) that is hypocritically hypersexualized, and overwhelmingly puritanical. Every check-out line at a grocery store has some magazine with a woman barely covering her titties on the cover. Commercials with some model bending over while eating a burger or some shit. Ads on so many websites telling you that YOU WILL NOT LAST FIVE MINUTES PLAYING THIS FUCK SEX GAME. But also, society will look down on the women who are involved with this, as if using your body to make a bit of money is this heinous act. People will have entire hard drives full of porn, then go onto Twitter or Instagram and call the performers disease-ridden whores right to their digital faces. It’s totally cool to go to a strip club, but you’re looked at as less of a man if your partner works at one. The entire existence of the term, “turning a ho into a housewife.” My high school sex-ed was Abstinence-only bull shit, and I’m pretty sure that’s still the case for schools today. Sex before marriage? You’ll go to hell! You get the ludicrous idea drilled into your head that you can get a girl pregnant by so much as looking at her too hard, and not even the world’s strongest condom will help you.

And this is just the hetero side of things! Looking at gay material, pornographic or not, is referred to as “sinning.” As in, “oh, I’m totally sinning” when looking at something as benign as fanart of two dudes kissing. Sinning. Evil. I can think of at least two trans sex workers who were singled out and accused of preying on minors in 2020, not for actually committing any acts against children, but for the crime of making porn and oh my god, what if a child runs across it? As if nobody underage has ever gotten access to adult materials at any point in recorded history until those goddamn trannies came along. As if HBO, Cinemax, and Showtime never existed. I came of age (no pun intended) during the height of peer-to-peer software. Things like Kazaa, Morpheus, Limewire. You didn’t have to try to find porn, it would find you. It would show up in completely unrelated search queries. I’m not about to write a call-out post on Jenna Jameson, Belladonna, or Danielle Foxxx, though. The world of straight porn is dominated by “step-sibling” themed scenes where the girl involved is dressed up like Misty from Pokemon or some shit, yet some 30-something jacking it in front of her webcam is the height of degeneracy.

This whirlwind of horseshit hypocrisy can and is doing potentially irreparable damage to a new generation. It’s concerning how often you see some completely unhinged take from some 16 year old on Twitter who will threaten sex workers with, “if I find your work, it is your fault, and you are a predator, because you did not protect me from myself.” An entire generation getting closer to or at their early-20s espousing these extremely shitty, conservative views about a woman’s bodily autonomy. As easy as it is to fob all this off as “these goddamned kids these days,” we have to ask ourselves: who taught them this shit? The answer is us. We fucked up, and failed this generation, the same way the generation before failed us, and the generation before failed them. A decade ago, allegedly fully grown adults on Tumblr and other fandom hell holes putting forth these us vs them ultimatums and call-outs against those that were different. They learned it from watching us, okay?

This should all be obvious to anyone reading this, but I just wanted to take a moment to complain.

The other fifty percent of why porn games are so looked down upon is because most of them are dog shit. This is The Yakyuuken Special- Kon’ya Wa 12-kaisen!! It is no different.

What is The Yakyuuken Special? It is a Sega Saturn game where you play rock-paper-scissors with a girl. Every time you win, she takes an article of clothing off, until she is naked. That’s the whole game. There is not much meat to it. However, the AI fucking cheats. The game will pull off some SNK boss bull shit to ensure these women keep their clothes on. Any lewd screenshots you see are the result of me using savestates until I could beat the CPU. So much effort, for resulting nudity that is honestly pretty disappointing.

And maybe that’s another issue with adult games: you have to work for it. When people are in the mood, they can simply watch a video or look at some images, or even dial up a phone number. The last twenty years of the digital age have made this easier than ever. You could sift through reams and reams of badly formatted text, play through a bad platformer, a bad fighting game, or a brutally difficult rock-paper-scissors session to get some goods, or you could simply remove all the bull shit and log onto a web site or open up a media player. An actually good adult game, such as Hardcoded, has to compete not only within an already competitive video game scene, but with multiple forms of other media. A bad one like this can easily be discarded.

Doesn’t help that whoever put this game together went out of their way to make the women involved look as unappealing as possible. Please do not take this as me bodyshaming, because these are not ugly women by any stretch. But you would be hard-pressed to think otherwise when you’re presented with porn starring people who look like someone’s mom. And I don’t mean a “mom,” I mean an actual, PTA meeting attending, sitting on the bench at the playground Mother. Like, how do you take adult actors in their 20s, and make them look like the gossip group at church??

It’s yet another example of taking a unique, interesting concept (the concept of an erotic video game), and completely fucking it up by making it look like shit. Nothing is helped by the women dancing with all the passion and energy of feeling like there is someone off-camera holding a gun.

It took me about ten minutes of saving and loading over and over to see a half-naked woman on my Sega Saturn emulator. That is a lot of fucking work. Maybe if you’re the kind of person with a denial fetish, this will work for you. But for everyone else, this is just some cynically made bull shit. It is not impossible to combine erotica and video games. The problem, is that developers just don’t want to try. Fuck it, they already got your money, you can eat shit and like it. It’s honestly a bit frustrating. Another one for the trash pile, I suppose.

Anyways, here’s your “reward:”

this sucks

3DO-Face #2: Blonde Justice (NSFW)

Last time I did one of these, I was very let down. I wasn’t expecting the first porn game I played on the 3DO to be so…pathetic. Playing Neurodancer, I sat there and thought to myself, “well, it can’t possibly get any worse than this.”

It’s going to get worse. This is Blonde Justice.

Let me start by getting this out of the way: Blonde Justice is not an actual game. It is simply a piece of software for the 3DO. It’s like putting a DVD in your PS2 and pressing the start button to pause and play. So this will just be a review of a porno I watched, which depending on your thoughts on sex work, my writing, or me as a person, will either be a new low or a new high.

There is a plot to this movie. I think. I mean, I watched every second of it, and tried like hell to pay attention. The problem is that you can’t actually hear any of the dialogue, as everyone is drowned out by the terrible Cinemax music. In my attempt at groping for some sort of video game analogy, it’s like a late-90s Capcom game in terms of its audio leveling. What I managed to gather was something about a strip club? One of the girls is being stalked? Said stalker wears a nearly-transparent stocking over his head that does not hide his identity in the slightest? There’s maybe a minute of dialogue before the “action” happens.

You got all these people I don’t care about spouting all this bull shit for about thirty seconds, before this sudden, jarring jump-cut to women dancing in front of a green screen for several minutes, before going back to thirty seconds of incoherent dialogue. Rinse and repeat until the end.

And these green screens are something. These Battlefield: Earth angles. Dancing in front of people looking away from the girls. A cityscape. All kinds of shit.

Oh, and real quick aside here: if anyone knows what the name of this arcade game this girl is dancing in front of is, please let me know in the comments section. Might be a good one to check out the next time I do a racing game round-up.

I apologize in advance here, because this will be a shorter entry than I’m used to. There’s not much to say. There’s a disjointed story broken up by this surreal concept of eroticism. Wordless, emotionless, frictionless seduction set to b-roll footage pilfered from a production library. Blonde Justice is like porn made by incomplete robots who had never even heard the word “sex” before, let alone put together anything remotely horny. Like Vivid Video invested in a machine learning algorithm.

You know, Neurodancer sucked. It was sad, pathetic horseshit where the interactivity was a cynical joke. But here’s the thing: Neurodancer had nudity. Yeah, that’s right, Blonde Justice, a pornographic movie, is lacking nudity. That is such a monumental fuck-up that I can’t even begin to criticize in any meaningful way. All I can do is wildly move my hands and do some exasperated yell-stutter asking nobody in particular HOW DO YOU MAKE A PORNO WHERE NOBODY GETS NAKED!? Oh, it’s suggestive, sure, but this isn’t supposed to be some bullshit you catch on one of the premium movie channels on a Saturday night. This was a product that cost money; probably a lot, and was published by an actual porn company. Some horny sucker spent part of the their paycheck on this bullshit, when they could’ve just jerked off to Chun-Li’s Spinning Bird Kick in Super Turbo, because as terrible as that is, you are getting the same level of titillation.

even the lesbian sex part goes out of its way to not show anything

If you make it all the way to the end, and if you look really carefully, you might see a boob or two. They’re on screen for all of half a second, and I to rewind multiple times just to get these screenshots, but they are there. I guess as some retroactive gotcha to prove it could be horny. So here you go, Vivid, a quick retraction: Blonde Justice is a porn movie completely lacking in nudity, except for two very quick scenes.

hot damn, boys. pull out the kleenex and poppers.

That’s Blonde Justice. It was bad. It was a waste of my time. A little TMI, but I went through this shitshow completely flaccid throughout. I’m starting to think that maybe adult entertainment on the 3DO was a bad idea. Go subscribe to someone’s OnlyFans or something instead of this. Jesus.

I need to start playing games I like, so I can finally have a blog post where I’m not so damned negative

who is this for?

EDIT: in my research (yeah, yeah, I know), I discovered that the lead actress was on the cover of that horrible Blink-182 album.

3DOFace #1: neurodancer

The 3DO. It existed. It didn’t do well (I mean, obviously). Bad marketing in an oversaturated market, a confusing distribution system, and a price tag of Way Too Much Fucking Money, it was doomed as soon as it left the starting gate.

But to its credit, the 3DO had some good games. It had some games that at least tried to be good (Immercenary, what could have been). Kenji Eno loved the system, and when Kenji Eno speaks, wise men listen.

Another line of praise for the 3DO is that, among its many genres it covered in its software library, it had one that no other system of the time had: Pornography! Hell yeah, motherfucker! Imagine, you’re playing Star Control 2, or Super Street Fighter 2 Turbo, when The Mood strikes. The internet isn’t quite what it is today back in 1994. Maybe you don’t feel like fumbling around trying to get your VCR set up, or looking around for your back issues of Penthouse. You need to crank one out right fucking now, but there is too much work involved. Then you remember that, in addition to an arcade-perfect Super Turbo and Samurai Shodown, you bought some Adult Entertainment for your Real Panasonic 3DO Interactive Multiplayer! For $700 (plus an additional $60 per game), you could own a video game system where you can look at a pair of massive himmer-hommers.

Neurodancer is one of these pieces of software. And oh man, is it a piece of something, too.

I’m not a person to discount something simply because it’s pornographic in nature. As an actual sex worker, that would be immensely stupid and hypocritical of me. Even if I wasn’t, I’ve played way too many hours of House Party (how’s it goin’ dude?), and have no place to judge. Being a pervert, I’m totally okay with video games merging with porn. It’s not sad or pathetic to own or play porno games.

Unless it’s Neurodancer.

Neurodancer gives you a first impression of actually having a unique concept and atmosphere. As the title no doubt gave away, this is set in the far, dystopic, cyberpunk future. And as the title also no doubt gave away, it’s supposed to be a take on Neuromancer, but with titties, instead of #StillWithHer Neoliberalism and tranny jokes so tired that even 4chan would roll their collective eyes (suck my ass, William Gibson). You would expect way too many neon lights and mega corporations and xenophobic paranoia about the Japanese becoming the leaders of world industry, but now there is sex too. You would expect these things, yes. You would also be wrong!

The synopsis of Neurodancer is that you, the main character, are some sort of horny hacker. You’re two months behind on rent, facing eviction and/or your knees getting broken. What do you do in this situation? You sit in your dingy, nearly pitch black apartment and send your slow moving unmanned drone out into a series of identical hallways, breaking into terminals for credits (money), so you can watch cam shows on your holographic TV.

Let me take a moment to put that into perspective, before I get into the parts where women take their clothes off. You are in debt. Zero dollars (sorry, credits) to your name. And to reiterate here, your solution is to hunt for loose change so you can look at porn. That’s like an addict combing through the carpet for a loose pill. You clearly have a problem, and the game is not finished with highlighting your sad existence just yet.

Here’s the interactivity: slowly (and I do mean slowly) trudging through a hallway, occasionally turning so you find a terminal. Hacking? Pressing a button, then pressing a button again before the Cyber-Police bust you for being jacked in (lol) for too long. Time your button presses right, and you get more credits.

(Now this is the part where I tell you that I’m posting nudity from here on out. Maybe don’t read this post with your mom in the room.)

Your reward for doing this, and your entire reason for continuing to exist, is to watch a girl dance and eventually get naked.

When I said that they “eventually” get naked, I wasn’t kidding. Those clothes are nearly bonded to their bodies.

hey, at least you can zoom in and out with the shoulder buttons!

Something you may have noticed in these screenshots is that number going down in the lower right. That’s your money, and it goes down by 100 every time you interact with the women. See, they dance, then suddenly stop, you have to pay them to continue. All with no guarantee that an article of clothing will be removed. I have no idea what the Credits-Dollars exchange rate is, but I have to imagine that this is (pardon me for referencing current events) a Bella Thorne level rip-off. Keep in mind, there is no “full” nudity to Neurodancer. Yeah, you’ll see some titties, and about half of a bare ass, but that’s it. Maybe Trip Hawkins drew the line at seeing someone’s spread asshole on his gaming console.

600 credits gets you some titties

700? part of a butt! oohh baby!

I’m not bringing all this up as a complaint. I knew going in that the 3DO’s adult library would be the most mediocre of mid-90s softcore bullshit. But this all does bring up the overall pathetic nature of Neurodancer’s protagonist. Not paying rent in some shitty apartment, probably not taking care of themselves either, all to spend hundreds of dollars for something that looks like the old Desktop Stripper that was advertised on seemingly every sketchy website twenty years ago. In our current dystopic cyberpunk future, pretty much any fetish you have can be catered to for about $20 on ManyVids. I guess sex workers of the future realize their worth a lot better than we do.

One more thing, mid-90s FMV was definitely not up to the task. The thickest thing on these girls’ bodies are their pixels.

Through all of this, I haven’t gotten to the worst part. The interactive segment! When the girl of your choice finally gets nude, or nude enough I guess, another screen opens up, and you can actually touch them. Probably. I think.

What’s so weird and fucked up about this is that you think you might be able to do something like cop a feel or give a light smack on the ass or something. Fuck that. You’re here to really please a woman. It’s possible that I’ve been doing it wrong over the course of my adulthood, but I’m not entirely sure that success in the bedroom involves stroking a woman’s hair or rubbing her behind the ear like a fucking cat.

think i’m joking here?

That’s Neurodancer. Blow hundreds, if not thousands, of points of cyber-currency to watch a naked woman dance. Then, when you finally get a chance to actually touch her, you instead limply drag the back of your knuckles all over her. It’s like a sadder version of Hoverhands. Here’s your reminder, over a thousand words later, that this was designed for you to masturbate to.

If you think I’m going back and getting screenshots for the other two dancers, you’re out of your fucking mind. This sucked. I’d be so pissed off if I spent actual money on this, rather than grabbing the ROM off Internet Archive. I plan on continuing the 3DO-Face series; hopefully the other sex-based games on here are at least funny or interesting.

Let me finish this off (lol again) by laughing at the terrible intro. This bullshit here is some prime “Cinemax on Saturday night” material.

“yep, that sure is a woman getting naked on my computer screen! time to put my hands behind my head in a ludicrous, exasperated fashion!”