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3D0-Face Gaiden 2: Miracle Momo Episode 0

Hachi Machi

Hey, internet. Did you know that there was a live-action porn parody of Namco’s arcade classic, Wonder Momo? Did you know that this porn was released in 2020? Now, I’m not sure why a 2020 porn parody of a mostly-forgotten 1987 arcade game got made, but you better believe that I dropped whatever game I was going to write about this week to watch it. Because hey, if there’s two things I have repeatedly expressed love for on this site, it’s old video games most people outside of Japan have never heard of, and making the squares upset by admitting that my queer ass watches sexually-explicit material sometimes. This is a combination of two of those interests, and I couldn’t not pass up an opportunity to cover this. Plus, I need to reiterate: this is a porn parody of fucking Wonder Momo. Normally, porn studios make films based off of popular garbage like Overwatch or League of Legends. Sometimes Street Fighter or Touhou, with stuff like Nier recently creeping its way in there. 24 year olds on OnlyFans might cosplay as something more obscure. Femboys and T-Girls have finally heard my pleas and have started doing scenes dressed as Link. Wonder Momo is not even the 100th game that you would think would get a whole production team and some actors behind it, which makes this all the more interesting.

I believe I’ve written a couple things about Wonder Momo before, but as a refresher: it’s a single-plane brawler where the titular Momo does high kicks to generic sentai grunts, which is presented like it’s a live stage show at the mall. Also, sometimes a creepy pervert will run along the bottom of the screen and try to take an upskirt photo of you. It’s a decently fun game that had a really good PC-Engine port. Maybe play it some time?

Once the initial shock of the premise wore off, I do have to admit that there’s a problem with this movie. I’ve been using the word “porn” a lot so far. Miracle Momo is classified as a pornographic movie, produced by a porn company, and is starring legitimate porn actors. But Miracle Momo is not actually porn. In this hour-long presentation, there is maybe a combined total of sixty seconds worth of sexual content; a very brief scene where Momo is taking a post-fight shower. Everything else is half-second panty shots and the occasional villain doing an over-the-clothing grope before Momo immediately breaks free and evaporates the poor fucker Ultraman-style. If you came into this expecting a Namco arcade character getting fucked, you will be very disappointed, because as it is, this is just two Power Rangers fight scenes with an R-rating. Now, I’m not mad that Miracle Momo is not some filthy descent into the depths of human lust, but I do have to make it clear what to look forward to for anyone who wanted to crank one out to an 80s Namco arcade character, and you were burnt out on Ms. Pac-Man and the ship from Motos.

Now, it should be pointed out that the director of Miracle Momo must clearly be a fan of Wonder Momo, because this movie is almost 100% faithful to its source material. Non-pornographic game to movie adaptations can’t even claim that, not even Mortal Kombat. I never thought that I would ever say “this porn is arcade-perfect,” but, you know, hey. So as pornography, Miracle Momo is a spectacular failure. But as a piece of video game ephemera, it is amazing. It is also very possible that this was just a passion project to make a Wonder Momo fan-film, and the adult stuff being a total afterthought is just so that there’s a justification for a porn studio to fund and produce it. If that’s the case, that’s fucking cool.

While this may be terrible masturbation material, it’s still pretty funny, and it’s pretty clear that everyone involved with shooting Miracle Momo had a fun time on the set. The fight choreography is honestly not that bad, and there was something of an actual budget put into special effects and costume designs. Like, there was effort put into making this thing, which is not really something that happens in porn much these days (every day, I long for a return of a studio like Catalina) because “everyone fast-forwards through the plot anyways,” which causes me to do the other kind of jerk-off motion. Plus, the perverted photographer in this movie has to be a take on Takahashi Meijin. Or maybe he’s just another bald dude in a hat and I’m reading too much into it due to Wonder Momo being an extremely common and easy to find PC-Engine game. You decide, readers.

That’s Miracle Momo. I’m glad that it exists; the world needs more off-beat gaming stuff like this. Also, it has at least two instances of mock crucifixion, that has to count for something.