Well, this isn’t technically my first post in while. I mean, there was that post on Dragon Ball I made. But I’ve been gone for a bit. Again. You see, I was having one of those moments where I was dealing with depression, and kind of being mad at the world at large. I’ll spare you the details (the two big angry complaining posts I made will remain in my drafts, I think), but I’ll just say that I found out someone instrumental in me getting into games turned out to be a child-touching monster, and that is something that really fucked me up to find out. Also the “Scene,” as it were, has taken the mask off and gone full grifter, collaborating with straight up pedophiles and dumbfucks who spend all day on X Dot Com screaming nonsensical conspiracy theories about the Jews trying to outlaw anime or some shit. All to create a viral stunt to bring back a manufactured “culture war” from a decade ago in some incredibly fucked up attempt to make their jobs seem more invaluable amidst all the layoffs going around, instead of, I don’t know, fucking unionizing or something.
The thing about the shit from ten years ago was that people like me had to find out the hard way that that shit was all a work of kayfabe, where the top players of both sides turned out to be friends the whole time, and it was just a way for a bunch of registered republicans to boost or rehabilitate their sagging careers, so you’ll have to excuse me for not falling for this bullshit again now that I’m older and no longer struggling with a drinking problem that was clouding my better judgement. Also, the other thing about the shit from ten years ago is that I have a lot of very shitty, painful memories of it that I would like to not constantly have to be forced to relive and relitigate! So fuck them. Two groups of assholes who don’t actually give a fuck about games using the medium as a venue to get social media clout and investor money, and I predict a lot of innocent people (read: completely random transgender women) will get their lives ruined in the process. Again. But maybe in 2-3 years time, we can all pretend to be surprised when someone at Wholesome Adroit Persons LTD quietly makes a blog post casually admitting to texting the editor in chief of Gamers Against Woke Dot Biz the whole time the same way Zoe wrote about having Milo’s phone number and texting jokes back and forth. Let’s pretend to be surprised. You know, for fun.
hey check out this sprite i drew
So I was really mad about all of that. Kind of pissed that it’s totally cool and totally leftist to hang out in a group chat coordinating marketing strats with guys named loligamer88, while I’m still being “held accountable” for something that was tweeted and deleted nine fucking years ago by somebody who isn’t me (the internet says, as if someone’s dumb tweet isn’t a retroactive justification for “I am a thin-skinned libertarian at Riot or Kotaku who is friends with the creator of the Chris-chan wiki and these trannies are disgusting me”). I was constantly contemplating whether or not I should take this site down and live a reclusive life where all I did was play Zelda games and watch deviant pornography until I die because I didn’t know if it was worth still trying to plug along, seemingly being the only adult in a room full of animals. Obviously, I did not do that. Instead, I cut myself off from everyone in games even more. I started up a new game of Dragon’s Dogma. I watched Sting’s retirement match. I listened to some Visual-kei in the rain. I ate a very good donut. I actually got a bunch of work done on those games I’m supposed to have been developing this whole time. I became my own island. Becoming my own island brought me so much happiness in 2020, and then I proceeded to forget about all that for years until I became too fucking miserable to not quickly change my habits. It felt freeing. I will continue to distance myself from the current games “culture” and continue to do things my way.
some of my gamedev work in progress
So what this long, meandering, barely conscious 2 AM post is trying to say is that I’m feeling a lot better. I’m still clawing my way out of the brain hole I’ve fallen in, but I’m making progress. Maybe I can try getting back into streaming? Maybe draw some more? Maybe get back into 3D modelling? Maybe get back into actually making a weekly deadline? Maybe do that thing where I make small fun posts again instead of everything being either an article or a “sorry I’m sad” update post? Maybe restructure and also do a better job of promoting the fact that I have a Patreon? Maybe finally come up with a new androgynous name and finally leave the past in the past? Maybe a lot of things. I can’t promise that I won’t stumble or fall, but I can promise that I’ll try.
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