11/3/2022

Hey everyone. I’m doing another “post for the sake of posting” post. Now, don’t worry, this isn’t me apologizing in advance for not having something done; expect something on the ol’ Patreon either tomorrow or this weekend. I’m really just buzzing because 1) I’ve finally finished my final work trip of the year, that horrible thing that’s kept me from getting a lot of cool shit done all year, and 2) TWITTER IS MOTHERFUCKING DEAD BITCH HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!

First Kiwi Farms, now Twitter. Going 2 for 2 for shitty web sites taking a fucking dive. Granted, Twitter is not dead dead; you can still log in and post and all that. But let’s be real folks, Elon Musk owning that site has put time on the clock, and it’s ticking down quicker and quicker with every beautifully dogshit business decision he has made in only 24 hours. So, either it will die RIP in the ground where it belongs, or it will simply become Truth Social with a little more brand recognition, then it will die.

You ask me, that shit should have died ten years ago, but I suppose it’s better late than never. For any remote positive that place did, it has long since been far outweighed by its many horrific negatives. And it’s not as if the positives, like establishing communities and friendships, can’t or hasn’t already been done by literally every other online platform in history. I won’t bore you by retelling the story of what myself and others had to go through when that platform was misused by every transphobe and grifter, but I absolutely have good reason to want to watch that hellhole die. I do admit to being somewhat frustrated by this “we’ll shitpost Musk to bankruptcy” gimmick, as if that’s something that actually works and not a massive oversimplification of what happened to Tumblr, from people who can’t bring themselves to log off and try to find a place online that isn’t overrun by the worst people you can imagine. I’m also frustrated by this wailing and shrieking of “MY BRAND! MY BRAND!” by people who, again, can’t imagine a world without being able to showcase the most naked, horrible bigotry they can find to everyone around them and respond to it with “no u.” It’s like I’ve been on here nearly every week since 2020 trying to show that you can build an audience and even make a few bucks without The Algorithm aiding or hindering you or something.

In any event, anything that brings the world closer to a time when expression and creativity on the internet was encouraged is a good thing. Maybe we’ll see an uptick in personal web sites. Maybe forums will start popping up again. Or maybe everyone will pony up twenty bucks or eight bucks or whatever to become a bigoted manchild’s personal star-bellied sneetches. Maybe they can all hang around on that psyop called Cohost and leave me the fuck alone. Whatever, I’m home, I’ve got my computer and my retro collection and my desire to get better at AC+R, and no longer need to read incredibly tedious and annoying opinions to help pass the time.

Whatever may end up happening, I will still be posting on this site until I am either dead or I am somehow so broke that I cannot afford a once a year payment or the world ends. Even though I’ve been having a bit of a difficult time as of late in regards to actually writing things, I still enjoy running this place. I love to write out my thoughts without a character limit or some arbitrary obstacle preventing you from reading them. I love to post things that you are not allowed to post elsewhere; the internet is a fantastic communication tool to meet like-minded people and share your interests and talents. The internet is also a tool for you to look at big fat titties, or some chick’s massive cock, or a dude with a swimmer’s build wearing latex. I write about a lot of my interests, like games or wrestling or an*me, but I am only 100% interested in having an audience of like-minded adults, particularly perverts; I don’t want to be read or subscribed to by a bunch of tenderqueers having a Fred Sanford-esque “Big One” upon realizing that a mildly disabled person in their mid-30s that avoids a lot of public areas due to COVID might be a horny pervert sometimes.

I love being able to have my own site where I can post things I like, without having to deal with scumbags, see some dumb shit posted by a games journalist or a pearl-clutching transphobe (but I repeat myself), or be reminded that people like Jesse Singal or Brianna Wu still exist. I love the feeling that maybe things will change for the better. Please, for the love of fucking god, do not let yourself fall back into bad habits. Let the trend of social media finally fucking die. Make your own site, get yourself a Feedly account (I switched to them when Google Reader got shut down a decade ago) to keep up with everyone else’s, and let’s all let nature heal.

Oh, and maybe I can finish this post with a glimpse of something I’ve been working on:

10/21/2022

Some of you have probably noticed by now that I’ve been posting things later in the week than normal, assuming I don’t miss a week entirely. I’ve been having a much harder time getting things done. For reasons I’m actually keeping private for once, I have been having a pretty bad time with anxiety as of late, at least over the last two months. It’s gotten pretty bad these last few weeks. A few of you probably figured out something was wrong when I started posting on social media again. While I have been able to get some posts and a couple of streams out there, I haven’t necessarily felt at 100% when putting some of that stuff out, feeling more like I’m doing things out of obligation to my self-imposed deadlines than because these are things I really want to say or do. Even something as simple as “hey, I should play a fighting game” leads to me spending the next six hours doing literally anything else, like watching streams on YouTube or taking a nap because my nerves act up and I’m too nervous to do the thing I wanted to do in the first place. It sucks.

A lot of my time not spent being stressed or dealing with a rough situation has involved me being wrapped up in a blanket, trying to play an RPG, or passing out in my chair while watching a Retro Pals video. That’s not an insult to the Retro Pals; it’s a great channel, I think watching the two of them playing old arcade games puts me in a state where I can relax, but maybe relax a little too much and end up falling asleep.

It does suck tremendously to feel like this during the fall. Fall is my favorite season! The weather conveniently shifted overnight as soon as October 1st hit, and I’ve had a reason to bundle up and not sweat through my clothes in the 100 degree heat. This is when it gets dark earlier in the day, it feels more appropriate to listen to shoegaze, Halloween happens, all types of cool shit. Instead, I just feel like shit.

It hasn’t been all bad, at least. I did manage to get a lot of work done on a gamedev project, especially in regards to making enemies with some semblance of artificial intelligence, in addition to having to make the art assets for all of those enemies. I’ll show off all that stuff at some point.

And I did manage to deal with my bull shit enough to get at least a couple days out of that Guilty Gear beta before I had to leave for one final week-long work thing (which I’m currently doing now). I figured out that my main in Xrd and AC+R is Venom. He’s a fun dude to play as, he appeals to my past of playing pool, and his theme song is a Napalm Death track, which rules.

Anyways, that’s it. I just wanted to make a post explaining why there’s no post this week, despite how nonsensical that sounds. I’m just taking things slow for right now to try and deal with all the bad feelings I’ve got at the moment. Hopefully my brain will even out soon enough, as I would like to get back to doing the work I want to do, because it’s actually fun and rewarding.

10/1/2022

I didn’t get any writing done last week. Well, I didn’t really get any kind of work done last week. I had one of my trademark “get extremely, intensely physically ill” moments that has left me in agony and with a fucked up sleep schedule, so I’ve been nodding off at random times throughout the days. So as such, haven’t been in much of a mood to do stuff, and I inadvertently took a week off.

But it hasn’t all been me feeling like someone has been attacking my intestines with power tools. I’ve been messing around with game editors and tools since I wasn’t home pretty much all last month and need to do something creative to pass the time. After bouncing around a couple of games, I’ve begun messing around with Megazeux. Didn’t get super far into making a completed project, but I did figure out some small amounts of programming and putting dialogue scenes together. Might come back to this some day.

Anyways, I’m finally home. My home, this hidey-hole of retro media, internet porn, and fighting games. Yes, I did hear the news about Guilty Gear Xrd getting rollback netcode. Yes, I did reinstall and load up the game’s training mode to reacclimate myself to how it played. Yes, I am still indecisive as to who my main will be; used to be Sin back in the day, but I may change that up.

In any event, it’s October now, which means it’s Goth Month. Well, every month is Goth Month if you aren’t a coward, but you know what I mean. Expect write-ups of games/possibly other things that fit very well within the “goth” label. Vampires, girls with lots of eye shadow, hard music with church organs, and so on. The weather is starting to get colder, it’s getting dark earlier in the day, that good part of the year is starting to happen and I’m fucking pumped for it.

Don’t have much else to say other “hey how’s it going I’m glad I can type this on a regular computer and not hunched over my laptop,” so I’ll just post a somewhat horny image I found online. The very thought of me enjoying something horny upsets a lot of very terrible people, and I enjoy making terrible people upset. Here’s a nice lady in a swimsuit hanging out in front of a GGXXAC+R machine. Also Street Fighter V, but nobody cares.

9/19/2022

This is another one of those weeks where I’m away from home for business reasons. Unfortunately, this is one of those times where I’m gone for a long fucking time; until October 1st. Doesn’t help that I’m staying somewhere where my allergies have kicked into overdrive, so I’ve spent all weekend drifting in and out of consciousness due to taking Benadryl. Either I sleep a bunch, or I walk around seeing the world as if someone smeared Vaseline on my eyes.

Working a job that requires me to travel a lot has obviously gotten in the way of me doing any sort of work that isn’t my weekly reviews. I spend my time working, then playing games on my laptop. Can’t exactly work on my games or anything if I’m not home at desk with a good PC (specifically, the one that has all of my files on it) and a mouse and a comfortable chair. It sucks not being able to work on things I like, especially since I know a few of you out there are waiting for me to hurry the fuck up and finish them already.

I’ve had this unwritten rule with myself for the last few years: do not make any creations or mods for other games until mine are done. I think, given the lengthy time I’ll be forced to not work on stuff, I’m lifting this rule. Thinking maybe I’ll load up some games with level editors and the like, and put something out there during all this time I won’t be able to spend with Slimegirl and friends. I kind of already did this with those Cladun X2 creations I posted a little while back, but I’m thinking I should do this more often. Also maybe set up a page for all this stuff, like I had before I moved everything around.

That’s pretty much about it. Things haven’t been too eventful otherwise. I mean, I had a birthday, but I didn’t go out or anything because it was 100 degrees and I was too hot to get up out of my chair. Now I’m here until next month, so uh there you go. There’s a review of a game I really did not like coming within a couple days, then I’ll be wracking my brain thinking of what the next big post is going to be.

9/3/2022

Was planning on taking the week off, as my birthday is this weekend, and I just felt like chilling out. I’ve spent this time playing some Castlevania games, playing some Fortnite (still waiting for that Peter Griffin skin), and getting ready for AEW All Out tomorrow. It’s a nice Saturday evening over here.

Then I come back from my kitchen after making myself a nice cool glass of pink lemonade, and I see this:

All I got to say about this is

OH HELL YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kiwi Farms is fucking dead! Well, for now, at least. But I will take small victories where I can get them. The nazi forum that wrote fanfiction about murdering me, and made my friends lives miserable for several years is gone. That owns! I’m fucking thrilled! You know, I’ve had some good birthdays in my life. I’ve even had great ones. This is already going down as one of, if not the best, I’ve ever had!

Fuck it, this is my web site, and I’m going to be petty here.

To all the nazi shitheads and transphobes and various other types of losers with nothing else going on in your lives besides blind hatred of others due to your own inadequacies

To Randi Harper

To Wil Wheaton

To all the game journalists who needed dirt on a rape victim you were actively harassing, and needed dirt on various trans women because Leigh Alexander got mad that they were all getting more death threats than her

To every self-loathing sociopath who needed to take down a trans woman who said “fuck” too many times

To anyone else I forgot who shared the absolute drivel that place pumped out about me and/or my friends

HA HA HA HA HA GET FUCKED ON, IDIOTS!! YOUR SHITTY LITTLE DOXXING FORUM IS DEAD! SUCK IT DOWN!

Oh, my condolences to everyone who is currently seething and shitting themselves over having to remove a bookmark from their browser. Truly a sad day for bitches who suck ass and know no peace in their lives. A sad day for people who were willing to harass and libel and threaten people literally to death in order to feel a modicum of self-worth that only lasted but a moment. A sad day for you, but a great day for me. A great day because a source of legitimate evil is down for the count, and a great day because I get to rub it in all your faces. Hold on, let me take a sip of this pink lemonade real quick. Ah, life is good.

Anyways, while you’re all freaking the fuck out and being more “triggered” than the blue-haired SJWs you think we all are, I will be playing the HD remaster of the first Soul Reaver that I only just now found out existed. Take it easy, losers.

P.S: Suck it.

RIP DJ

Yesterday, my cat DJ passed away at the age of 20. She was my grandfather’s cat, and I adopted her after he died back in 2020, and I wasn’t about to dump her at the side of the road or leave her at the pound.

A couple days after taking her in, I was in my kitchen. I grabbed a pair of scissors out of a drawer, because I needed to cut something. Of course, I didn’t close the drawer, since there would be no point to opening, closing, then opening and closing a drawer again when I only needed to make a single cut. When I turned around to put the scissors away, I see a wide-eyed DJ hanging off the side of the drawer. She must have assumed that the drawer was a platform for her to jump on, and found out the hard way that it wasn’t. In that moment I realized that DJ was a perfect fit for me and my dogs; she walked around with this air of superiority, despite being dumb as shit. Despite being in a precarious situation where she could have been hurt, she was really unhappy about me pulling her off the side of the drawer and putting her back on the floor.

she once pulled her bed off the little ledge it was kept on. instead of waiting for me to put it back up, she simply crawled into her crooked bed and slept in it.

The thing about DJ is that she has always been a grouchy, ornery motherfucker. There are friends of mine that have been in Discord calls that can attest to how mad she could get. I don’t have a family to sit around the table and eat with, so I tend to eat my meals at my desk while working on projects, watching a show, or some other activity involving a computer or my TV. If I was eating something DJ liked, she would make sure to let me know by jumping onto my lap and trying to climb on the keyboard and onto the desktop. I would discourage her from doing this by doing what every cat owner does: using the back of my forearm to gently nudge her backwards and say “no.” Most cats tend to ignore this, and keep trying to get your food. DJ would respond to this by growling at me; a big angry MROOWWWWWWwwwwwww. After a few nudges, she would full-on hiss at me, then growl again before jumping down and leaving in a huff. It was always loud enough that my friends could hear her over my headset. She would never bite or scratch, only yell. DJ’s grumpiness was just a gimmick.

WHY ARE YOU TOUCHING ME FUCK OFF actually wait i kind of like this

That was kind of her whole deal. She definitely used to bite and scratch at me or my dogs when we would come up to visit my grandfather every few weeks. My poor dogs had the fear of god put into them by her, giving her a wide berth when walking past her, right up until the end of her life. Then when my grandfather died and she became part of my family, she warmed up to me, but still had to keep up appearances and be a big angry jerk. Towards the end of 2021, and the first half of this year, she chilled out considerably, actually laying on my lap and licking my face for reasons other than to wake me up at five in the morning to say FEED ME FEED ME RIGHT FUCKING NOW YOU SON OF A BITCH A FULL BOWL OF DRY STUFF ISN’T ENOUGH I NEED ANOTHER HALF A CAN OF FRISKIES.

she once walked through the handloop of a plastic bag, and kept walking away when i tried to pull it off of her

That’s just how it was with DJ. She was a pain in the ass, but she was my pain the ass. She would break stuff, she would growl at you for walking too close, she would eat your food if you had to get up for a minute, do all types of headache-inducing shit. But she would also snuggle and purr and forget the tough girl act sometimes.

I’d like to think I handled the stress of the last month of her health deteriorating in a well-balanced, mature way. But I’ve also spent the last few weeks going to YouTube and watching numerous Family Guy Funny Moments compilations, so uh, maybe I haven’t been handling it well. At least she’s in a better place physically now, and I’ll eventually be in a better place mentally. Thought I would write some words about her, because she had made herself known in various Discord calls and a couple of Twitch streams and ended up being something of a character to a few of you out there. I’ll be sure to ask “hey DJ, how’s the weather down there?” on your behalf. Of course, I’ll still be keeping her in my Twitch intro, assuming I ever get the time to stream again.

Anyways, here’s some more pictures of DJ to close this out.

a random deposit of screenshots

Way way back in “The Day,” when I was running my blog on long-dead domains that proceed this one, I would post all the fucking time. These would be posts along the lines of “work sucked today” or “I just bought [Game] and here is my Nintendo DS Friend Code for it” or whatever. Sometimes, I would simply post “here’s a bunch of screenshots that I took while playing some ROMs.” That used to be a thing that people would do with their web sites, now that sort of thing is what social media and microblogging are designed for. But fuck all that, I should pollute my own site with that shit instead. Every so often, I’ll remember that I’m trying to use this as more than a “please look at all my words” platform and sprinkle in posts of big butts and a couple MP3’s. Today I’m going to go back to posting screenshots, because sometimes I will save stuff, even if I end up never writing about it. In some cases, I have a bunch of leftover shots I didn’t end up using in my posts. I’ll give the game titles and systems in the captions.

astro boy: the omega factor (game boy advance)

fallout: new vegas (pc)

noctis (dos)

space mouse 2 (pc)

breakdown (xbox)

shin megami tensei v (switch)

sasuke vs commander (arcade)

rough ranger (arcade)

bit generations: dotstream (game boy advance)

bit generations: boundish (game boy advance)

4/9/2022

Hello everyone. I’ve taken the week off, as I had a death in my family on Sunday. This was kind of a big one, as this was one of the only people in my family that I didn’t have issues with. Because of that, I felt like it probably wasn’t super appropriate to write another “games are cool” post or go on Twitch and tell jokes. But it’s Saturday now, and I felt the need to write something this week. Admittedly, I sometimes get so wrapped up in the idea of “oh fuck, what am I writing about this week?” that I don’t get around to making posts that are like “hey how’s it going.” So I think I will simply talk about a bunch of thoughts and stuff I’ve been having.

The first thing, assuming you didn’t see me announce it elsewhere, is that I am now doing the “non-binary” thing. Now, unlike pretty much everything else I’ve ever done in my life, this was not an impulsive decision; it’s something that’s been in the back of my mind for about a year, and getting closer to the forefront for the last six months. Just a whole number of factors causing me to rethink things: I don’t mind being called “dude” or “bro.” I still enjoy traditional “guy” shit. I watch sports. I haven’t had a dysphoric episode in about three years. Now, you might be thinking, “well, that’s a lot of gender essentialist bull shit you’ve said.” You would be right! The thing is, it doesn’t matter if you are into all that stuff while having a different pronoun. Then I started thinking, well then, does it matter then if I start using “they” instead of “she?” Plus, my whole thing, especially over the last 2-3 years, is doing what I can to try and live life on my own terms. Doing what I want, existing outside of society’s expectations. A wise man, Daisuke Ishiwatari, once said of a non-binary character he created, “they’ve transcended humanity, just like me.” What a killer fucking line that is. That’s me, doing my own thing, but with a more ambiguous identity.

Another thing about all this, was the thought in my head: am I giving up? I mean, I’ve spent so many years, made so many enemies, got onto so many games industry blacklists, due to my unwillingness to sit back and deal with cis people and their inability to comprehend a world beyond their own limited worldview. Hell, only two posts ago I was ragging on these motherfuckers over them all wanting to buy J.K Rowling’s Jew Basher 2K22, once and for all proving that “support the developers” is a dog whistle. Am I throwing away years of my life, making me a coward? I was “angry tranny bitch” for so long, and now that’s not my gimmick anymore. But then it dawned on me that it doesn’t matter. Gender has never been my problem. Gender has always been everyone else’s problem. I didn’t like being a man, so I changed that. Seven years have gone by, and I’m realizing now that it’s better to be both genders and also neither. I simply changed my mind, and that doesn’t invalidate all things I’ve said and done to support binary trans people. Besides, it’s not I’m joining Buck Angel in a Zoom call with Graham Linehan, Marjorie Taylor Greene, and Leigh Alexander or anything. I’ve spent all this time curating a space for me to do what I want, and my body is a space, so I should be able to do what I want with that too.

pac-man and ms pac-man, breaking up the text

That’s enough of the important shit. I’ve spent the last week processing a lot of things, and also losing myself in games and wrestling. The big thing in wrestling lately is that bitch coward sell-out Cody Rhodes going back to WWE. The biggest carny of them all, fuck him. You might think that I’m too old to be doing the whole “fandom” thing and getting back into that late-90s Monday Night Wars mentality, but also: FUCK THE WWE OH HELL YEAH

This isn’t a WWE vs AEW thing. Yes, I’m a big AEW fan; I’ve been buying and watching all their shows since last year. But I have also been getting into independent wrestling pretty hard. Stuff like Enjoy, GCW, TJPW, and Deadlock. In my mind, my love of wrestling is Literally Everything vs WWE. That company is the evil empire runs by soulless bigots that have legitimately worked their wrestlers to death, have covered up murders and sexual assaults, straight up killed Owen Hart via criminal negligence and then told his grieving friends to go wrestle in the hole his dead body created, provides propaganda for two shitty governments (America and Saudi Arabia) among a lot of other fucked up shit. AEW has faults, sure, but it’s not “covering up murders and child molestation rings” bad.

Even putting aside the moral issues, WWE is a company that has treated its audience with open contempt for decades. We’re talking about a shitty company run by a complete monster who is so fucking stupid that he didn’t see anything in Bret Hart, Steve Austin, Mick Foley, CM Punk, Bryan Danielson, Adam Cole, Keith Lee, Matt Cordona, Kofi Kingston, Big E Langston, Bray Wyatt, Scott Hall, Ricky Steamboat, Sting, among many other names I’m forgetting until circumstances forced their hand to either put them in the main event, or fire them. Hell, they didn’t even see anything in Cody Rhodes! At this point, if you’re working for WWE, you are either only a few years in the business and getting paid to sit in catering for a year will make you more money than getting booked on the indie scene, you are being paid so much money that nobody in your family will have to work another day in their lives until maybe your great-grandchildren are born, or you’re a fucking idiot/bigot who stands firmly in line with Vince McMahon’s bull shit. Cody might have been the worst part of AEW for a good couple years, true, but that doesn’t excuse spending six years creating an “Us vs Them” narrative and telling anyone who would listen that “wrestling is for everyone” before crawling back to a bunch of Trumpers who would rather “everyone” be put before a firing squad. It may seem childish for me to call a man I’ve never met a sell-out for going from one major company owned by a billionaire to another, but let me reiterate: FUCK THE WWE OH HELL YEAH and fuck Cody too.

Plus, the troll in me likes fucking with all the unhinged weirdos who call people like me an assortment of slurs because of the wrestling I watch. The sensible side of me knows that Tony Khan is not my friend; he is simply someone who puts on a show I enjoy, and have given him some walking around money as a result of that. But it is more fun to say that AEW is the greatest thing to ever happen to television since televisions inception, and Tony Khan is the only good billionaire. And FUCK THE WWE OH HELL YEAH!

As far as games go, I’ve been getting back into Monster Hunter real fucking hard. Both Rise and Generations Ultimate. And I must be still processing some grief, because I started a new game in Dark Souls 2 and I am somehow starting to “get” it. Getting it to the point where I’m actually starting to, dare I say it, enjoy the game. Maybe it’s all these recent months of getting into Western RPGs and rediscovering the mindset that one needs to play those. I’ve just finished getting the ring from Drangleic Castle, so I’ve got another 800 areas to get through before I reach the end.

Naturally, I’ve been plugging away at Guilty Gear Strive. Of course, given recent gender things, I’ve been playing as Testament. Testament is a fucking awesome character. Here is a screenshot of me getting a perfect on my friend Hazel. I had to screenshot this, because I don’t get many moments like this, because Hazel is really good and is still much better than me.

Testament’s new theme song is…fine, I guess. Fine in that it’s not as egregious as some of the other music in Strive (shout out to Potemkin). Still not a patch on their theme from GGX2, a game that I would say has the best soundtrack in the entire medium. Listening to that song again and it’s like, fuck dude, it seems so obvious in hindsight that being a moody, genderless thing who loves goth shit is what I was always meant to be.

I was planning on writing some more, but I’m already 1500 words in, so I should probably stop. I’ll be back to doing my usual thing of essays and streams in the coming week, just needed to take a quick break.

I watched the King of Fighters movie

Last night, I sat down with a couple friends as we watched the 2010 KOF movie together. I figured that since my last post was on KOF ’95, I would continue with that particular theme.

I’ll spare you any shock or surprise by telling you that this movie sucks. The problem with this movie sucking is that it doesn’t suck in a spectacular way, like a lot of other TV Game movies. Infamous examples like Street Fighter or The House of the Dead had at least some kind of redeeming qualities to them; Street Fighter was funny and Raul Julia was around to chew on the scenery like the world’s largest Termite, while House of the Dead had like 100 Matrix camera sweeps and thought it would be a good idea to cut game footage in-between fight scenes (also, the retroactive knowledge of Uwe Boll knocking Lowtax flat on his ass). The King of Fighters is simply boring. The best, and only, good thing about it is picking apart just how badly the film doesn’t seem to even know what the source material is, let alone not being true to it. So, let’s take a look at how badly the producers fucked this up.

Let’s start with the cast. For anyone who hasn’t played any KOF game, I’ve gone ahead and posted shots of the characters in the movie next to their in-game designs. So who do we got in this movie?

Mai Shiranui

 

Terry Bogard

 

Iori Yagami

 

Rugal Bernstein

 

And finally, get fucking ready for this: Kyo Kusanagi

That’s right, folks: the studio execs gave the fucking King of Fighters movie the Jake Gyllenhaal treatment.

Now, these are only the credited roles. Eagle-eyed viewers can find many “Easter Eggs” and figure out which other characters this movie fucked up.

Goro Daimon

Chin Gentsai

Joe Higashi

And if you look real carefully in this shot, you can see Leona Heidern

Yeah, right…..there!

Right away, you can tell that there was no care put into this movie at all. They couldn’t even be bothered to put a red wig on Iori’s actor. Or, for that matter, pronounce “Iori” correctly a single time throughout. “Eye-ori” Yagami.

There’s a plot to this movie. I think. Rugal Bernstein wishes to become “The King of Fighters,” and to do this, he needs to steal three ancient artifacts, and somehow transfer them over to virtual reality, where all of the KOF fights take place. Oh yeah, nobody in this movie can fight for real, and instead need to use Magical Bluetooth Headsets to enter the Metaverse and duke it out there. Anyways, by having these ancient artifacts, Rugal will finally be able to make the cliche “if you die in the game, you die for real” a reality. No, I do not know why he needs to do this, other than to be a dick. But it’s fine, because the script doesn’t know why he needs to do this, either. Nothing in this movie is explained; shit simply happens and then the credits roll. In order to stop Rugal and his video game addiction, CIA agents Mai Shiranui and Terry Bogard need to team up. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that Mai and Terry are in the CIA. Because, you know, when I think “sexy big titty ninja” and “homeless guy with a tenuous grasp of the English language” I think of the Central Intelligence Agency.

Also, Iori is there because reasons, and Kyo shows up and does White People things.

Now, I’m not expecting a particularly deep plot here. After all, this is a movie based on a series of fighting games where super-powered martial artists call each other “dweebenheimer.” But I am expecting like, basic coherence. The Mortal Kombat movie was all over the place, but at least was all over the place in a way that made sense; everyone’s on an island where fights can break out at any time, and fights do in fact break out at any time and any place. Johnny Cage and Scorpion fighting it out in a random forest with no explanation still worked in that context. The fact that it was a mostly dialogue-free extended fight scene didn’t hurt.

KOF does not have this. It splits its time between nonsensical exposition, virtual fight scene, more exposition, another fight scene, and repeat. The characters all have to enter a VR chat room to fight in a tournament that has been going on for thousands of years. Thousands of years, a time frame that would have predated things like “virtual reality,” “electricity,” and “international relations.” A virtual reality that everyone totally knows about, yet CIA Agent Terry Bogard thinks it’s a non-existent bunch of bull shit. He does not believe that there is a VR world where people fight it out in a never-ending tournament, despite his CIA partner entering it multiple times, with several of his contacts also knowing about it. The long-standing rivalry between Kyo and Iori is not due to a predestined fate that they share, but because Kyo is biracial in this movie, and Iori is discriminatory against those who are only half-Japanese. You would think that maybe the casting decision to turn Kyo Kusanagi into Kyle Kusanagi would be a commentary on a very real issue in Japanese culture, but no, it’s just a quick way to cover their ass. These flashback scenes with Kyo where the whitest thing about him is his Gi proves that:

he literally outgrew being asian

The writing is a fucking mess, full stop. Maybe the only good thing it did was turn Vice and Mature into full-blown lesbians, which would be cool if they had any character beyond getting their asses kicked repeatedly like cartoon henchmen, and the scene where it’s strongly implied that Rugal rapes the both of them. Because, you know, that was the missing ingredient that kept SNK from overtaking the big boys of the arcade scene: sexual assault.

Something you may have noticed in these screenshots I’ve taken is that the movie is shot badly, too. Lots and lots and lots and lots of Dutch Angles. There are so many Dutch Angles that my hands involuntarily typed “How Do I Join Scientology” into Google.

Did I mention that Rugal is now Freddy Krueger in this movie? He has a different outfit in every fight scene, and he makes sure to ham it up with terrible lines. Ray Park sure has come a long way from playing Darth Fucking Maul in Star Wars.

I will give credit to this movie for one thing: the fight scenes themselves are actually pretty good. Turns out having a bulk of your cast played by stunt coordinators can lead to the action being well done. But, because this is the KOF movie, even that gets fucked up. Lots of quick cuts that kill the action, use of shaky-cam that makes things hard to follow, and those Goddamn Dutch Angles. When the actors are given time to breathe and punch each other, it’s pretty darn entertaining, but you have to sit through a lot of bull shit to get to those few moments of quality.

This movie sucks. Don’t watch it. If you laughed at any of my jokes, then you have been entertained better than this movie could do. And if you didn’t laugh at any of my jokes, then you have been entertained better than this movie could do. Go laugh at the Double Dragon movie or something instead.