What I’m Doing (4/27/2024)


Hello everyone. I am currently kicking myself, as I just made a whole speech about not wanting to avoid updating this site, only coming back for reviews and feeling sad, only for me to do exactly that within a couple of weeks. Anyways, I have felt like complete shit lately. Dealing with a lot of no-reason anxiety that’s left me feeling incredibly anti-social and lightly paranoid, essentially ghosting a lot of places I would otherwise be wanting to hang around in or people I want to hang around with. Also dealing with a severe death of my motivation; I have a bunch of half-finished stuff sitting around. Been real tired lately, sleeping early and taking a bunch of naps throughout the day; hell, I took two today, which is two more than what I normally take. I’ve been trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me, but it’s been driving me nuts. Then I saw this today, and it probably explains a few things:

pulled this from here: https://autistics.life/@ashleyspencer/112344377149663228

So now I’ve been trying to figure out what’s giving me this burnout. Is it just daily life? Is it me not fully dealing with nearly losing my mom last year? Is it watching my wheelhouse (games) entering its New Game+ cycle and doing Gamergate shit again, but even more cynical this time? Is it just the state of the world, watching a further freefall into anti-intellectualism and full-on fascism? Is it just brain damage? Is it all of these things? Whatever it is, it sucks. I’m wading through this fog where I can’t really describe things, or do stuff, or even play a game. Even writing this post has taken a lot more time and effort than it should. I’ve been loading up Steam and various emulators, staring at lists of my games, then not playing anything. Not watching any movies. The most music I’ve listened to is whatever is on the alternative station when I drive to the store. I was in such a fucked up malaise that I actually watched a True Crime video on YouTube, which is one of the most shameful things I can admit to, and I’ve talked about liking feet and Mass Effect before.

In any case, I apologize, and feel fucking terrible for, almost immediately failing at my whole “being more creative and using a web log for the reasons you’re supposed to use a web log.” I have to find a way to fix myself, because brother, I cannot go another week of randomly falling asleep to bad YouTube videos, feeling my brain atrophy in real time, thinking everyone is disappointed in me for no reason, and not being able to enjoy things.