ARCHIVE: top ten video game dudes i want to bang me in the butt

[Ramona’s note: this was originally posted back in August 2017]

I read this list earlier in the week on some website that I already forgot about. It was a top ten list of hot male video game characters. It was obviously went to be in jest and not, like, a real thing, which is why it had a bunch of lame ass marks on it.

I’m going to make my own. But like, for real. Because I mean, fuck it, this is my website and I’m bored and I can post whatever I want on here. Let’s do this.

 

10. McCree

Despite getting a 100% completion in multiple Metal Gear titles, I’m not normally into the whole “gruff hairy dude who smokes” look. Smoking is gross as hell. But McCree is pretty, uh, pretty though. Like, he’s such an obvious poser; you can tell at a glance that his whole “cowboy” gimmick is just that, and that his knowledge of country music is limited to “Rhinestone Cowboy” and the soundtrack to Fallout: New Vegas. It’s endearing, and he’s definitely a sensitive guy underneath all that tough guy bullshit.

 

9. Dante (DmC)

I’m pretty sure nobody actually liked the Devil May Cry reboot except for me and like two other people. I don’t give a fuck, it was good. And the new Dante was multiple degrees hotter than Capcom’s original. This is like the one time I’ve ever made an exception for the whole “hot guy all beat up” look that’s all over Tumblr. Like, fuck dude, look at him. Personality wise, he’s probably the kind of guy that demands you watch “Eraserhead” on the first date and flips if you don’t have an encyclopedic knowledge of Vampire Weekend, but it doesn’t matter because the dick is bomb and you’re not going to stick around for long.

 

8. Lee Chaolan

The last time I’ve actually played as Lee since like 2005 was the two rounds in Tekken 7’s shitty story mode. I should probably start learning his combos or something, because I like looking at him. I mean, he’s hot. He’s a hot older dude. A fucking DILF. He’s come a long way from his fucked up looking Tekken 2 renders, and his new outfit makes him look like the star of a local Host Bar. And I’m sure Lee is one of the only guys on this list that would totally eat your ass without you needing to say anything first.

 

7. K’

I’m not very good with K’ in any of the King of Fighters games I’ve played. Though, to be fair, I’m not good at KOF games in general. But of all the hot boy protagonists in that series, he’s the only one that isn’t boring as fuck or some sort of blood-thirsty weirdo who breathes smoke. Also the leather. I’m not a super leather freak, but that jumpsuit really does it for me.

 

6. Kuja

Confession: I never finished Final Fantasy IX, so I don’t know much about Kuja’s character. I did however, spend a lot of time during my trip to Santa Clarita back in 2012 playing Dissidia 012 and staring at his bulge. I don’t know, I want him to bang me in the butt.

 

5. Benimaru Nikaido

Yeah, I definitely main Benimaru when I play KOF. But I really got into him while playing a ton of Capcom vs SNK 2 on my PS2, even though he wasn’t exactly a high tier character. He’s got the crop top, the tight pants, the swimmer physique. It should start becoming clear that I have a type: wispy effeminate dudes who will totally scream uncontrollably after you starting putting your fingers into their buttholes. Benimaru seems like he would do that after the first finger goes in.

 

4. Alucard

My second video-game boycrush. He’s this elegantly-dressed, inhumanly beautiful man who doesn’t give a fuck. He’ll take you out dancing. You don’t even like dancing; it makes you nervous. You step on his feet all the time and look like a fool. But it doesn’t matter, because he looks you in the eyes, leans over and whispers some encouraging words in your ears, and the unintentional ASMR takes over and now you’re a human-shaped jello mold.

 

3. Leon Kennedy

You need to get yourself a man who can still make wisecracks and still even think of a love life, despite spending over a decade dealing with Cronenberg-esque body horror and weirdos selling him guns kept underneath their coats. Shit that would put a normal man into a lifetime of therapy and placed into a licensed persons care. He still has the GQ model hair, and (again) the swimmer physique and the form fitting clothes and I’m having a hard time typing because I keep looking up at this fanart I just posted above.

 

2. Raiden

Fuck the haters, Raiden is hot as fuck. He was hot in MGS2, and he was hot when got turned into a cyborg in MGS4, and then when he got turned into even more of a cyborg in Metal Gear Rising. He’s running around, grunting and sweating in that skin-tight suit that outlines every inch of his body. Raiden was literally designed from the ground up to be this smoking hot stud that made you want to lick ice cream off his chest. Plus, it’s canon that he has a large penis, even while flaccid. Now, I am no size queen by any stretch, but sometimes you just need to see a dick that intimidates you.

 

1. Cloud Strife

And here he is: Number One. It’s Cloud. Of course it would be Cloud; Final Fantasy VII is my favorite game of all time. It was the first time that Younger Me even gave consideration to a man being attractive. He is the reason I have The Type that I do. Plus, you could also be mean and domineering, making him wear the dress and have him do humiliating things that totally turn him on despite his protests. Besides, it’s not we all don’t already know that he totally moans like a girl when he cums, anyway.

 

Honorable Mentions:
Ashley Riot (Vagrant Story)
Pretty much every other Final Fantasy character
Soma Cruz (Castlevania)
Vega (Street Fighter)
Shulk (Xenoblade)